that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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