Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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