so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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