My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
