Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
