you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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