I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
