The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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