R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
