Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize