Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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