I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
