Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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