Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
