we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
