All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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