Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
