my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
