Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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