The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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