apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
