I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
