Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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