Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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