Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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