i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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