And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
