I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
