yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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