MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
