bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
