My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
