So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
