Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
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