she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
