it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
