Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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