Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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