I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
