Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize