I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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