Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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