I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
