I accidentally had phone sex last night
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
