Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize