Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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