remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
