Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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