That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
