Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
