I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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