FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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