thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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