Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
