I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
