Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
