so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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