I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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