hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
