Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
