cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
