how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
