How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
