I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
