i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
