Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i think my cat just said my name.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
