I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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